New Year, New Perspective

      

With the New Year comes a new beginning--a clean slate to all mistakes, bad eating habits, old relationships, and lost religion. It's our chance to start over, fresh and new, and commit ourselves to a better life for at least the next 365 days. 
          
       2013 brought about many life-altaring changes. Some for the better, some for the very worst. With all the joy came alot of sorrow for my family and I in the loss of our dearly loved wife and mother to cancer. This year, while most people are making resolutions to lose masses amount of weight and let go of old flames, I've gained a new perspective. 
   
       I have learned life is extremely too short. That words matter. That "living life with no regrets" is not possible-- at all. That money runs out but your reputation and character lasts long after you are gone. I've learned that no matter what crazy diet you start or how much exercise you do, you may never transform into a twig-thin Victoria's Secret model. Being HEALTHY and being skinny are two completely different things. I've learned that good friends are hard to find, and even harder to keep. I have learned that love can be fun, that no one really keeps secrets, and that every decision you make now will impact your future.  

      With all of that being said, I have decided to share my 2014 simple list of resolutions in hopes that others will also gain a bit of a new perspective on their own lives and what truly matters.

1. Become more intentional. 

Make that phone call, apply to that school, make those plans you promised you would make. Back up your words with actions. 

2. Be the healthiest I can be.

Exercise daily, cut out the junk food, drink more water. Don't do anything that will take years off of your life.

3. Give more.

Give the homeless man on the side of the road your dollars, give your time to those who don't have any time to waste. Material things will not go with you to the grave. 

4. Pray.

Before eating, sleep, when worries overcome you or just to say thanks. Simply slow down your life for a moment and pray. 

5. Take more pictures.

Whether it's your cat, your grandma, or a beautiful sunset in your back yard. Pictures capture a moment in time that can never be replaced. 

6. Stop comparing myself to others.

You're one-of-a-kind, intentionally created and unique. You are not the brainiac in the class row in front of you. You are not that girl on your Facebook page wearing the teeny-tiny polka dot bikini and that is OKAY. Love who you are and the skin you are in!

7. Worry less.

Unexpected happens. Fretting over an unchangeable situation is a waste of precious time. Go with the flow and stop anticipating the next catastrophe. 

8. Travel.

To the park, a day on the beach, or somewhere hundreds of miles away. We are just a speck in this big world. Go out there and see what there is to see.  

9. Always see the glass half full.
Negativity doesn't look good on anyone. Any scenario in your life can be twisted into a positive moment. Whether it be a lesson learned or an experience gained, keep your chin up and your positivity in tact. 

10. Stop wishing my life away.
When you are 14 you want to be 16...when you are 16 you want to be 21 and before you know it you are wrinkled and gray and wishing for those years to come back. It is wasteful to wish for your years to pass. As my grandmother always said, "enjoy every stage of your life." 

Fearful Firsts

Every day, every moment is a "first" without my mom. They say the first year is the hardest and I can only pray the years to come won't be so tough. A mother is the backbone of the family and life easily falls apart when she isn't two steps ahead putting things together. Mothers are depended on for so much more than they realize and our family has been heart-achingly impacted at the loss of ours. 

While most people are anxiously awaiting this upcoming holiday season, my family is subconsciously protesting it. The holidays bring a sense of togetherness, of family, and traditions. It is a time for baking, shopping, and giving. For us, it is yet another first. It will be the first Thanksgiving and first Christmas without our shop-til-you-drop, casserole-making queen. Our miracle woman at the table we were all thankful for, the person that kept our family anchored. This is the year we grow, the year for new traditions and normalcy. To be honest, we have no clue what we are doing. There is no handbook or three step program of how to successfully move on without your mother, but somehow we have made it through these last four months. 

Someone said to me that "it's not moving on without her, it's moving forward" and I believe there is no better way to say that. As much as I want time to stop, rewind, and replay the healthy, happy times of her life while she was on this Earth, that is not reality. Reality is that the sun will rise tomorrow and the days will, in fact, go on no matter how much I demand that they don't. As a family, we have to encourage each other, pick ourselves up, and live a day that my mom would be proud of. Breathe the fresh air, help a stranger, stop and take the time to appreciate the beautiful creations right in front of our faces...we have to find our happiness and we have to move forward. 

She is never farther than a thought away, as she always reminded me. I carry her with me each and every day and as I move forward, I will never forget. I will embrace the memories we shared and share her legacy with others for many years to come. 

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While my mom was not effected by Mesothelioma, it is a cancer that does effect many people and is easily preventable. Here are a few facts on how to avoid asbestos and prevent you or your loved one from obtaining this disease. Please visit mesothelioma.com for more details: 

Are there donuts in heaven?

It was a beautiful warm, sunny afternoon.

Thursday-- one week until my birthday. 

Thursday and not a cloud in the sky.

I can't recall a day since then that I've seen so much sun. 

A typical day; expecting the worst while praying for the best. 

The hospice nurse came and left, declaring my mom as "stable".

It was just another day...

On that beautiful day, I found myself holding my mom's hand as she breathed her final breaths. 

It was with grace and elegance that she lived her life and I shouldn't have expected any difference in her passing. 

In an instant she went from my mother to my angel. Still the most beautiful person I have ever known. 

A day hasn't passed that I don't feel her absence. 

It's an emotional weight.

It's a dull ache.

I lost my perfect role model, my go-to stylist, my biggest fan, my very best friend, my manicure-date..

my mom.

I feel like the world should stop spinning; that daily routines shouldn't exist.

Yet with each day and an undiscovered strength, we have carried on, going through the motions of each day.

The truth is, I don't know where to go from here. 

It's like I'm seeing the world for the very first time. 

Though I do know one thing for sure, 

my mom is with me...and she's everywhere.

She spent her short time on this Earth preparing us to make the right decisions and taught us to always keep a good heart. 

In the days before my mom's passing I have few memories of her carefree and enjoying life, but one memory has seemed to stick with me through it all.

My mom and stepdad had just left my mom's final radiation treatment; the doctor's had declared she was too weak to continue on.

My car was being serviced and my stepdad planned to give me a ride home.

When he arrived, and I slid into the backseat of the car, I couldn't help but burst into a laugh at the image of my mom.

"She's on her 7th" my stepdad said.

My mom had a box of one dozen fresh Krispy Kreme donuts opened in her lap and she wasn't slowing down. 

My skinny-minny mom consumed 8 donuts that day and while we aren't sure how she did it, we couldn't have been more glad!

That was the most any of us had smiled in a while.

I sure hope there are donuts in heaven. 

Life is fragile and definitely too short.

Don't take a day for granted...and if you want to say it, say it right then because you never know what tomorrow holds.

I now aspire to live my life the way my mom always lived hers and make friends in the most unexpected places and give without a second thought. 

We have been blessed by a loving community, who has given, prayed, and supported us through this journey. 

As the days roll on, I ask for continued prayers and support because with each day, we face a new challenge.

And in the simple words of my mom..

"Live your life with joy."

 5/5/61- 6/20/13

Lets help put an end to breast cancer. I encourage everyone to donate to Susan G. Komen research or other breast cancer research organizations around the world. 

Raise awareness, save more moms.

Click here to donate NOW!

May Flowers

 May.

It's a month of birds, blossoms, and beautiful weather.

It's a month of new growths.

The world gets a little brighter in May.

For us, May is a month of celebrations. 

May 5th...my beautiful mother's birthday. 

May 5th...coincidentally the day I graduate from Auburn University.

May 10...sweet baby Baye's 1st birthday.

May 12...Mother's day. 

May 21..the day our little Madison graduates high school.

I guess you can say it's a big month for us.

With all of the celebration comes a little bit of sadness.

My mother's battle with cancer has not been an easy fight.

She is tired, but she is so strong.

She has been receiving weekly chemo treatments for the past several months.

Chemo, as most of you know, drains you.

It's complicated because it helps you and hurts you all at the same time.

Fights the good along with the bad.

It has been a major challenge to fight the side effects of chemo while fighting cancer for my mother. 

They've tried different medicines, given her new medicines...

all the medicines...

no results.

Her chemo has not currently proved to be effective in any other way except for making her more sick at this time. 

While the doctors are doing what they can to find a drug that works for her, I am asking everyone to please remember my mother and the battle she faces on a daily basis.

Please pray for her strength to fight and her body to heal.

We need prayers now more than ever.

Round Two

You prayed and He heard you.

My mom was never expected to make it two weeks and here we are at nearly two years. 

She is a miracle of a woman and my family has been so blessed. 

The reality of it is, her cancer just couldn't get enough.

It just HAD to test her strength yet again and come back for round 2. 

I just thought I hated cancer before, now hate doesn't even begin to describe it.

Fighting cancer the first time is nothing like fighting it the second time.

 Chemotherapy is taking every bit of energy left in her body and destroying it. 

The nausea can be overwhelming. 

She has now lost the hair she was so proud to grow back for a second time. 

I can't imagine what my mother goes through on a daily basis, but I know one thing...

she is by far the strongest person I know. 

What I am asking to each and every person who reads this today is to START PRAYING.

Pray for strength for my mother to endure every Friday of chemo and a quick recovery of its side effects.

Pray for healing in this battle with cancer yet again. 

This cancer just doesn't know who it's up against. 

365 Days of Prayer

A year ago on this exact day, my mom was hospitalized and discovered she had breast cancer growing throughout her body--including 4 large tumors in her brain. A YEAR ago, my sisters and I were told to prepare ourselves because my mom wasn't supposed to make it through the week. A year ago, I was packing my bags and moving home for Spring semester, leaving the classes I just started behind. On this day an entire year ago, our world came crashing down and I just knew our lives would never be the same.

In the span of one year, the roller-coaster of emotions we experienced as a family were unbelievable. My mom fought her cancer with every ounce of strength she had. She lost her hair to cancer and wig shopping became a new favorite hobby! She loved food for the first time in too long. She made new friends everywhere she went--EVERYWHERE. She got closer to God with each passing day and spent her hours of sleepless nights in prayer. Each day was filled with uncertainty, so we lived each one to it's fullest. 

In the last year, our family knit itself tighter than ever before. My mom grew every sprout of her hair back AND more. My mom was able to be standing at the finish line of my 60 mile Susan Komen breast cancer walk and cheer me to the very end. My mom was able to watch my little sister twirl at nearly every football game. My mom has been able to go with my older sister to doctor's appointments and watch her future grandchild turn flips on the sonogram. She has been able to give back to people, like they have given to her. My mom was, in fact, there for Thanksgiving AND Christmas and felt much better than she has in some time.The tumors in my mom's brain shrunk down to nearly nothing and her stage 4 cancer has considered to be in remission for the past six months. 

My mom never gave up and look how far we have come in a year. We have come farther than I, my family, or any doctors ever expected. Thank you to everyone who prayed for my mom, she is walking proof of its power. I know that we will not only have this year but many more years to come. As a family, we have to make cancer a thing of the past and put joy into every day of our future. 

Where We've Been: The Journey.

The past seven months have been a journey. A true testament of the faith of our family. We've been depressed. We've been anxious. We've grown up. We've gotten closer. We've prepared ourselves for the very worst all while hoping for the very best. We've prayed--every chance we get. We've held our breath each appointment she's had and cried tears of joy after each one.

Where have we been? We've been through a miracle.

Cancer wanted my mom, but cancer didn't win this time. Cancer took my mom's hair and was supposedly never giving it back, yet with each visit that I make home her hair gets thicker and blacker; sprouting more and more all the time. Cancer was supposed to take my mom's life in January. My mind still hasn't wrapped around those few weeks and I'm not sure if it ever will. All I know is that it's July and her scans keep coming back clean; beating all odds and every doctor's prediction. Each and every prayer prayed WAS heard. After seven month of uncertainty, all of her tumors have stopped growing. "Remission" is a word I thought we'd never hear. 

Yet, because of cancer, so many great things have occurred. I've watched many wonderful friendships develop between my mom and others. The community has rallied around us and prepared meals, continuously prayed, and sent their love. My mom has come to know God more than she ever has before. Cancer has not defined her. She's found the best in it and lived her life.  

God is bigger than any illness we face and I know we owe this 100% to Him. 

Where have we been? We've been at our lowest low and now to our highest high. 

Our mom has out smarted, out prayed, and remediated her cancer. Today marks a new beginning to life. NEVER give up faith and never lose your fight!

Now more than ever, I want to continue on with the Susan G. Komen 3-Day Walk for a Cure against Breast Cancer in honor of my mom and the journey she's made. All proceeds of the walk will be donated to breast cancer research. I have a long way to go in my funding. The walk takes place October 21-23. If you are able to donate or would like more information, please visit www.the3day.org/goto/sagehutch

More Than Meets the Eye

I look at the picture above often. It was taken in early October. My family had come to Auburn for the weekend for one of Teryn's last showers before the wedding. In this picture, we see everything as it is-- seemingly "normal". What we don't see is the cancer forming in my mom's body that almost killed her 3 months later. The cancer that has turned our world upside down. 

Every aspect about our lives has changed. Our whole focus through each week is to put a little more strength into the woman who has given us so much. Although I am home from school, I wouldn't trade this time with my mom for anything. Leaving her will be terrible. Every day, I admire her more and more. Though she has had to let go and give up so much she has still found her foundation to be strong and keep fighting. I could tell you a million reasons why she should give up, feel sorry for herself, and let this cancer win. She'll give you one for why she keeps going: her family.

While at our recent family trip to the lake, she told me her favorite quote was from the movie Braveheart. "All men die, but not all men truly live." She followed that quote by saying, "...and I have truly gotten to live." Though cancer is not the diagnosis that we could have ever wanted, it is a tangible illness that she is now able to be treated for. She has not felt this good in years. She loves food. She is doing things she has always wanted to do. She is getting pictures made every chance she gets. She is living and loving like never before. I know we owe these months...days...hours...all to God. I've seen my mom grow closer to Him with each sunrise. He isn't finished with her. We have truly been so very blessed. Blessed by all the giving people who continue to provide meals and prayers. And blessed by the God that continues to watch over us.

Thank you everyone who has donated to Headbands for Hope or my Susan G. Komen fund so far. Words can't express how thankful I am. I still have needs to be met, if you feel led to give please visit my page for more information or to donate at www.the3day.org/goto/sagehutch

True Life

So this is cancer? Dizzy, sleepy, emotional, exhausting...cancer. Honestly, cancer sucks. From day to day it never gets much easier and I hate to see the strain it puts on my mom. It's almost like with each sunrise it's a new realization that she is carrying the battle, and while I pray for her strength, sometimes I think it is easier to get sucked into the pity party. Cancer has a way of doing that you know. Even though we want OUR control over the situation, things seem to happen everyday we would never put in our plans. 

Eventually you have to give the battle over to someone who has battled much worse. You have to hand control over to the ULTIMATE healer: God. I pray everyday for God to keep this family together and strong within Him. With our fragile state, one slip up and we'd all crumble into a million pieces. I know God didn't want this sickness for my mom. He wanted a perfect world. But for now, these are the cards we've been dealt and we have to play them the best we know how or else we can fold under the pressure. You have to make that decision for your life. To crumble because the life you picked out for yourself isn't playing out just right or to wake up every day and fight like heck to make it work with a smile on your face. I think about the people in Japan today. Do you think they had a choice? Everything they had was swept right from under their feet within seconds. Their entire city destroyed, as if it never even existed. You can't plan for that, but God can.

I heard a couple of quotes today that have really seemed to stick:

"The world is broken, God is not."

"If things aren't right, God's not done."

I know God has a plan for my mom and our family, even though it's really hard to see right now. He has gotten us this far and I have full faith that He will continue to pull us through many more struggles along the way. I thank everyone for the continued prayers and support, it has meant so much to us.

Please join me in the fight againt breast cancer and consider supporting me in the 2011 Susan G. Komen 3-day Walk for a Cure. In October, I'll be walking 60 miles over a period of 3 days to raise awareness for breast cancer. In order to walk, I must raise 2,300 dollars. For more information or to make a donation, visit www.the3day.org/goto/sagehutch

Spilled Time

So many changes from week to week, yet I still find my mom becoming more beautiful as each day goes on. She has officially lost ALL of her prized pixie hair but has desperately been on a search for a wig to replace what she has lost. I can promise you we have been to EVERY wig shop in Dothan. For the African-American, Chinese, Japanese, whatever ethnicity, we have been to the store and tried on at LEAST 5 of their wigs...none of which brought that spark back into my moms eyes. I said it was like picking out a wedding dress (even though I've never done that) maybe you had to try on a million untill you put on one that became "THE one". Needless to say we looked and looked untill we came across the perfect one at Lovely Locks today, a new boutique in Dothan targeted towards cancer patients. Although it's not at all the pixie cut she left behind, this is a new season of her life and a new season calls for a new doo!

When I made the decision to take a semester off of school to help out with my mom, I knew all the "cons" of my choice. I'd be behind in school. I'd leave my friends behind. I'd leave my job behind. I'd have to give up what I started just to start all over. But the cons? The cons are nothing. This time with my mom has been so precious. I wouldn't trade a day, an hour, any bit of this time I am getting to spend with my mom. Good days and bad days. I get to sit back an observe. My mom just enjoys every small bit of life now. I watched as the tears streamed down her face because she was able to get a "human hair" wig-cut on her head today--it made her feel like an average woman. I watch her savor every single bite of food she puts in her mouth, McDonalds Fruit and Maple Oatmeal has been a hit! I mean, just so many things we take for granted my mom now says is all part of her "Bucket-List". If that doesn't inspire you I'm not sure what else could. Time has become such a precious thing to our family and I couldn't think of a better way to spend my time than with her.

I have made the decision to participate in the Susan G. Komen 3-Day Run for the Cure to raise awareness for Breast Cancer and support the foundation. I am walking a 60 mile journey over the course of 3-days in honor of my mother. This event takes place in October. I plan to begin other fundraising acts, but donations will also be a BIG help. In order to walk, I must raise 2,300 dollars which entirely goes towards the Breast Cancer Foundation to help find a cure and save others from this battle. If you are able to help, please go to www.the3day.org/goto/sagehutch. Thank you!

Hairy Situation

Photo by: Cindi K Mcdaniel

Studio EnVogue

My heart has been so full. Each week we experience new things, good and bad. New things that sometimes we are prepared for and sometimes we are not. As a family, we are prepared to be strong. I have watched as my family has woven itself tighter in the past few weeks than I have ever seen before--gives a WHOLE new meaning to "family bond". I watch my stepdad day in and day out watch over my mom like a hawk. He paces, he watches over her, follows her every move, feeds her...by hand if necessary. He provides her with security and peace. I watched yesterday as the two of them walked hand in hand in our backyard, just making laps in the sunshine. My mom wants to be stronger for us and we want to be strong for our mom.

One thing my mom has always wanted to do is take family photos...now more than ever. She especially wanted to take the pictures before she lost her hair to radiation. Cindy McDaniel at Studio EnVogue has done both of my sister's weddings and has become part of our family (while also doing an amazing job I might add) so it was no question who would get the honor of sharing this precious moment with us. After the session, my mom talked for days about how much fun she had. We danced, laughed, made jokes...I think for a while she forgot about the cancer. We were just a family. Those pictures are something we will certaintly all cherish forever.

After 11 days of radiation, the hair has started to fall. We all knew it would happen, but for a woman, it's not exactly something you can prepare yourself for. As I was sweeping away the clumps that had fallen onto my mom's shoulders this morning she looked over at me and told me she never thought it would be this difficult to let such a trivial thing like hair go. Although I could never imagine what she is going through, I told her exactly what I thought-- I would rather have her here than that hair anyday. We have come so far and I try to remind myself and her of that daily. A few weeks ago treatment wasn't even an option. A few weeks ago we couldn't have even imagined today. The way I look at it, all this hair hitting this floor is a celebration! A celebration for the fight. A celebration for another day of my mom's life.

Love Sick

I'm quickly realizing that cancer doesn't just affect one person, it affects every person that loves the one person it has chosen to attack. My mom fights cancer every day, and so do I...even though I don't physically have it. That's the thing about this ugly illness. It doesn't care who you are..your age..anything. It just attacks. It will run you and everyone you love into the point of exhaustion. WE are fighting it together, my mom especially. I truly believe she's the strongest woman in the world. Forget the body builders who move cars and buildings, this woman gets her brain radiated every day and still has the strength to keep a smile on her face and celebrate the moment. That's my mom.

Today is the day you are supposed to celebrate love--Valentine's Day. Love for your husband, boyfriend, wife, friend, sister, brother...whatever you love. Even if it's your dog. Well today, we celebrated the love of our mom. As a wife and as a sister. We celebrated the opportunity to have her for another week. We celebrated the gift of being able to write her cards and receive the ones she had written. I will cherish the card she wrote for me forever. In a line of my card that my mom wrote she said,

 "I can't imagine what you'll be one day and the kind of wife and mom
you'll be. But I know it will be the best because that's all you've shown me.
Never has there been a child more loved and wanted. I will always be just
a prayer or thought away. Live your life with joy."

"Live your life with joy" That will always stick with me. How could I not live with joy after having a mom like her? She has brought me nothing but happiness. She has made me the person I am, molded every ounce of my being. SHE has brought me the ultimate joy.

A Week to Live

So I left the nest. After my mom taught me all the tricks and trades to life, taught me the good from the ugly, and how to spread my wings and just let myself fly...I left. I flew (well drove) to Auburn University this year. Second year of college, first year away. I'd say it's a great year to be an Auburn Tiger fan, that's for sure. I have a great set up at school-- live with one of my best friends, am part of a couple great clubs, love my job..I mean, other than the fact that I feel like I am the only sober one half of the time and finding new friends is REALLY hard..I LOVE Auburn and being on my own...

Untill the day I got the txt message informing me of my mom's decreasing health. A txt message telling me to "prepare myself for the worst". Yes, a txt message. I was walking to my dreaded 8 am class this Spring semester when everything I knew about anything came crumbling down in the form of a single message in my inbox. I was told that morning my mom, only 49 years YOUNG, was hospitalized and was believed to have brain tumors. Tumors--that's one scary word; add an 's' on the end and it takes it to a whole new level. Needless to say, I sobbed through the class, rushed back to my apartment and with the help of a great roommate, I headed back home to my family.

Returning home was nothing like returning back to the comforting nest I had left. The next several days became a surreal blur. Day after day in and out of the hospital. Wishing, praying, hoping for anything good to happen. Anything. The hospital became our home. My three sisters and I woke up, went to the hospital. Ate breakfast, lunch, dinner...at the hospital. I'm pretty sure the employees knew us by name. We napped in the hallways, cried-ALOT, ignored phone calls, and talked to distant family members who visited here and there. Then, after a long day we would go into the darkness of my mom's room and give her a goodnight kiss and repeat over and over again how much we loved her, usually with no response. My mom was a vegetable, I never believed SHE was in her body. She stayed that way for eight long, exhausting days.

I'll never forget the night the doctors told us her diagnosis. They took us over to a secluded area to look over the scan and test results. The doctor started at the top of my mom's body and worked his way down, naming everything that was wrong. As I was listening, it was like time was moving slower than ever. It seemed like he was naming every major organ in her, saying, "there seems to be cancer there...and here.." I also remember him saying that it was a miracle she was up and walking the week prior, due to the four golf ball sized tumors in her brain that could have caused her to seize or have a stroke. I felt my heart race and my breathing quicken and I knew I could not continue to stand in the presence of that doctor anymore. I ran. I ran down the hall as far away as I could, holding on to the wall, shaking my head, and screaming silently.."WHY?! GOD". I would have done anything to convince myself it wasn't happening. My oldest sister was the only one who managed to stand through the whole meeting and broke the news to the rest of us. The breast cancer my mom had over 12 years ago was back-- this time in her liver, lungs, and 4 tumors in her brain. They gave her a week to live.

That was over three weeks ago and you know what? My mom is still here and stubborn as ever. Even though I THOUGHT my world was over and even though I THOUGHT those doctors were God, I learned very quickly, they're not. No one knows you're timing, and it certainly wasn't my moms. After eight days of an incoherent vegetative state, she woke up and wanted Blue Plate. She didn't die, despite the doctor's predictions. I know it was the prayers that got us out of the hospital and I wish there was a way for me to personally thank each and every person that prayed for us because it has given me something most people take for granted--time. I get time with my mom to see her laugh and smile..I even get to capture it on camera. I get to hold her warm hands and lay in bed with her every morning to watch the Today show. I'll get to see her little bald head as she goes through radiation, but to me, that's a blessing. I get my mom, and that's something I didn't think I would have 3 weeks ago.