Fearful Firsts

Every day, every moment is a "first" without my mom. They say the first year is the hardest and I can only pray the years to come won't be so tough. A mother is the backbone of the family and life easily falls apart when she isn't two steps ahead putting things together. Mothers are depended on for so much more than they realize and our family has been heart-achingly impacted at the loss of ours. 

While most people are anxiously awaiting this upcoming holiday season, my family is subconsciously protesting it. The holidays bring a sense of togetherness, of family, and traditions. It is a time for baking, shopping, and giving. For us, it is yet another first. It will be the first Thanksgiving and first Christmas without our shop-til-you-drop, casserole-making queen. Our miracle woman at the table we were all thankful for, the person that kept our family anchored. This is the year we grow, the year for new traditions and normalcy. To be honest, we have no clue what we are doing. There is no handbook or three step program of how to successfully move on without your mother, but somehow we have made it through these last four months. 

Someone said to me that "it's not moving on without her, it's moving forward" and I believe there is no better way to say that. As much as I want time to stop, rewind, and replay the healthy, happy times of her life while she was on this Earth, that is not reality. Reality is that the sun will rise tomorrow and the days will, in fact, go on no matter how much I demand that they don't. As a family, we have to encourage each other, pick ourselves up, and live a day that my mom would be proud of. Breathe the fresh air, help a stranger, stop and take the time to appreciate the beautiful creations right in front of our faces...we have to find our happiness and we have to move forward. 

She is never farther than a thought away, as she always reminded me. I carry her with me each and every day and as I move forward, I will never forget. I will embrace the memories we shared and share her legacy with others for many years to come. 

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While my mom was not effected by Mesothelioma, it is a cancer that does effect many people and is easily preventable. Here are a few facts on how to avoid asbestos and prevent you or your loved one from obtaining this disease. Please visit mesothelioma.com for more details: 

Are there donuts in heaven?

It was a beautiful warm, sunny afternoon.

Thursday-- one week until my birthday. 

Thursday and not a cloud in the sky.

I can't recall a day since then that I've seen so much sun. 

A typical day; expecting the worst while praying for the best. 

The hospice nurse came and left, declaring my mom as "stable".

It was just another day...

On that beautiful day, I found myself holding my mom's hand as she breathed her final breaths. 

It was with grace and elegance that she lived her life and I shouldn't have expected any difference in her passing. 

In an instant she went from my mother to my angel. Still the most beautiful person I have ever known. 

A day hasn't passed that I don't feel her absence. 

It's an emotional weight.

It's a dull ache.

I lost my perfect role model, my go-to stylist, my biggest fan, my very best friend, my manicure-date..

my mom.

I feel like the world should stop spinning; that daily routines shouldn't exist.

Yet with each day and an undiscovered strength, we have carried on, going through the motions of each day.

The truth is, I don't know where to go from here. 

It's like I'm seeing the world for the very first time. 

Though I do know one thing for sure, 

my mom is with me...and she's everywhere.

She spent her short time on this Earth preparing us to make the right decisions and taught us to always keep a good heart. 

In the days before my mom's passing I have few memories of her carefree and enjoying life, but one memory has seemed to stick with me through it all.

My mom and stepdad had just left my mom's final radiation treatment; the doctor's had declared she was too weak to continue on.

My car was being serviced and my stepdad planned to give me a ride home.

When he arrived, and I slid into the backseat of the car, I couldn't help but burst into a laugh at the image of my mom.

"She's on her 7th" my stepdad said.

My mom had a box of one dozen fresh Krispy Kreme donuts opened in her lap and she wasn't slowing down. 

My skinny-minny mom consumed 8 donuts that day and while we aren't sure how she did it, we couldn't have been more glad!

That was the most any of us had smiled in a while.

I sure hope there are donuts in heaven. 

Life is fragile and definitely too short.

Don't take a day for granted...and if you want to say it, say it right then because you never know what tomorrow holds.

I now aspire to live my life the way my mom always lived hers and make friends in the most unexpected places and give without a second thought. 

We have been blessed by a loving community, who has given, prayed, and supported us through this journey. 

As the days roll on, I ask for continued prayers and support because with each day, we face a new challenge.

And in the simple words of my mom..

"Live your life with joy."

 5/5/61- 6/20/13

Lets help put an end to breast cancer. I encourage everyone to donate to Susan G. Komen research or other breast cancer research organizations around the world. 

Raise awareness, save more moms.

Click here to donate NOW!

May Flowers

 May.

It's a month of birds, blossoms, and beautiful weather.

It's a month of new growths.

The world gets a little brighter in May.

For us, May is a month of celebrations. 

May 5th...my beautiful mother's birthday. 

May 5th...coincidentally the day I graduate from Auburn University.

May 10...sweet baby Baye's 1st birthday.

May 12...Mother's day. 

May 21..the day our little Madison graduates high school.

I guess you can say it's a big month for us.

With all of the celebration comes a little bit of sadness.

My mother's battle with cancer has not been an easy fight.

She is tired, but she is so strong.

She has been receiving weekly chemo treatments for the past several months.

Chemo, as most of you know, drains you.

It's complicated because it helps you and hurts you all at the same time.

Fights the good along with the bad.

It has been a major challenge to fight the side effects of chemo while fighting cancer for my mother. 

They've tried different medicines, given her new medicines...

all the medicines...

no results.

Her chemo has not currently proved to be effective in any other way except for making her more sick at this time. 

While the doctors are doing what they can to find a drug that works for her, I am asking everyone to please remember my mother and the battle she faces on a daily basis.

Please pray for her strength to fight and her body to heal.

We need prayers now more than ever.

Round Two

You prayed and He heard you.

My mom was never expected to make it two weeks and here we are at nearly two years. 

She is a miracle of a woman and my family has been so blessed. 

The reality of it is, her cancer just couldn't get enough.

It just HAD to test her strength yet again and come back for round 2. 

I just thought I hated cancer before, now hate doesn't even begin to describe it.

Fighting cancer the first time is nothing like fighting it the second time.

 Chemotherapy is taking every bit of energy left in her body and destroying it. 

The nausea can be overwhelming. 

She has now lost the hair she was so proud to grow back for a second time. 

I can't imagine what my mother goes through on a daily basis, but I know one thing...

she is by far the strongest person I know. 

What I am asking to each and every person who reads this today is to START PRAYING.

Pray for strength for my mother to endure every Friday of chemo and a quick recovery of its side effects.

Pray for healing in this battle with cancer yet again. 

This cancer just doesn't know who it's up against. 

365 Days of Prayer

A year ago on this exact day, my mom was hospitalized and discovered she had breast cancer growing throughout her body--including 4 large tumors in her brain. A YEAR ago, my sisters and I were told to prepare ourselves because my mom wasn't supposed to make it through the week. A year ago, I was packing my bags and moving home for Spring semester, leaving the classes I just started behind. On this day an entire year ago, our world came crashing down and I just knew our lives would never be the same.

In the span of one year, the roller-coaster of emotions we experienced as a family were unbelievable. My mom fought her cancer with every ounce of strength she had. She lost her hair to cancer and wig shopping became a new favorite hobby! She loved food for the first time in too long. She made new friends everywhere she went--EVERYWHERE. She got closer to God with each passing day and spent her hours of sleepless nights in prayer. Each day was filled with uncertainty, so we lived each one to it's fullest. 

In the last year, our family knit itself tighter than ever before. My mom grew every sprout of her hair back AND more. My mom was able to be standing at the finish line of my 60 mile Susan Komen breast cancer walk and cheer me to the very end. My mom was able to watch my little sister twirl at nearly every football game. My mom has been able to go with my older sister to doctor's appointments and watch her future grandchild turn flips on the sonogram. She has been able to give back to people, like they have given to her. My mom was, in fact, there for Thanksgiving AND Christmas and felt much better than she has in some time.The tumors in my mom's brain shrunk down to nearly nothing and her stage 4 cancer has considered to be in remission for the past six months. 

My mom never gave up and look how far we have come in a year. We have come farther than I, my family, or any doctors ever expected. Thank you to everyone who prayed for my mom, she is walking proof of its power. I know that we will not only have this year but many more years to come. As a family, we have to make cancer a thing of the past and put joy into every day of our future. 

Where We've Been: The Journey.

The past seven months have been a journey. A true testament of the faith of our family. We've been depressed. We've been anxious. We've grown up. We've gotten closer. We've prepared ourselves for the very worst all while hoping for the very best. We've prayed--every chance we get. We've held our breath each appointment she's had and cried tears of joy after each one.

Where have we been? We've been through a miracle.

Cancer wanted my mom, but cancer didn't win this time. Cancer took my mom's hair and was supposedly never giving it back, yet with each visit that I make home her hair gets thicker and blacker; sprouting more and more all the time. Cancer was supposed to take my mom's life in January. My mind still hasn't wrapped around those few weeks and I'm not sure if it ever will. All I know is that it's July and her scans keep coming back clean; beating all odds and every doctor's prediction. Each and every prayer prayed WAS heard. After seven month of uncertainty, all of her tumors have stopped growing. "Remission" is a word I thought we'd never hear. 

Yet, because of cancer, so many great things have occurred. I've watched many wonderful friendships develop between my mom and others. The community has rallied around us and prepared meals, continuously prayed, and sent their love. My mom has come to know God more than she ever has before. Cancer has not defined her. She's found the best in it and lived her life.  

God is bigger than any illness we face and I know we owe this 100% to Him. 

Where have we been? We've been at our lowest low and now to our highest high. 

Our mom has out smarted, out prayed, and remediated her cancer. Today marks a new beginning to life. NEVER give up faith and never lose your fight!

Now more than ever, I want to continue on with the Susan G. Komen 3-Day Walk for a Cure against Breast Cancer in honor of my mom and the journey she's made. All proceeds of the walk will be donated to breast cancer research. I have a long way to go in my funding. The walk takes place October 21-23. If you are able to donate or would like more information, please visit www.the3day.org/goto/sagehutch

More Than Meets the Eye

I look at the picture above often. It was taken in early October. My family had come to Auburn for the weekend for one of Teryn's last showers before the wedding. In this picture, we see everything as it is-- seemingly "normal". What we don't see is the cancer forming in my mom's body that almost killed her 3 months later. The cancer that has turned our world upside down. 

Every aspect about our lives has changed. Our whole focus through each week is to put a little more strength into the woman who has given us so much. Although I am home from school, I wouldn't trade this time with my mom for anything. Leaving her will be terrible. Every day, I admire her more and more. Though she has had to let go and give up so much she has still found her foundation to be strong and keep fighting. I could tell you a million reasons why she should give up, feel sorry for herself, and let this cancer win. She'll give you one for why she keeps going: her family.

While at our recent family trip to the lake, she told me her favorite quote was from the movie Braveheart. "All men die, but not all men truly live." She followed that quote by saying, "...and I have truly gotten to live." Though cancer is not the diagnosis that we could have ever wanted, it is a tangible illness that she is now able to be treated for. She has not felt this good in years. She loves food. She is doing things she has always wanted to do. She is getting pictures made every chance she gets. She is living and loving like never before. I know we owe these months...days...hours...all to God. I've seen my mom grow closer to Him with each sunrise. He isn't finished with her. We have truly been so very blessed. Blessed by all the giving people who continue to provide meals and prayers. And blessed by the God that continues to watch over us.

Thank you everyone who has donated to Headbands for Hope or my Susan G. Komen fund so far. Words can't express how thankful I am. I still have needs to be met, if you feel led to give please visit my page for more information or to donate at www.the3day.org/goto/sagehutch