Where We've Been: The Journey.

The past seven months have been a journey. A true testament of the faith of our family. We've been depressed. We've been anxious. We've grown up. We've gotten closer. We've prepared ourselves for the very worst all while hoping for the very best. We've prayed--every chance we get. We've held our breath each appointment she's had and cried tears of joy after each one.

Where have we been? We've been through a miracle.

Cancer wanted my mom, but cancer didn't win this time. Cancer took my mom's hair and was supposedly never giving it back, yet with each visit that I make home her hair gets thicker and blacker; sprouting more and more all the time. Cancer was supposed to take my mom's life in January. My mind still hasn't wrapped around those few weeks and I'm not sure if it ever will. All I know is that it's July and her scans keep coming back clean; beating all odds and every doctor's prediction. Each and every prayer prayed WAS heard. After seven month of uncertainty, all of her tumors have stopped growing. "Remission" is a word I thought we'd never hear. 

Yet, because of cancer, so many great things have occurred. I've watched many wonderful friendships develop between my mom and others. The community has rallied around us and prepared meals, continuously prayed, and sent their love. My mom has come to know God more than she ever has before. Cancer has not defined her. She's found the best in it and lived her life.  

God is bigger than any illness we face and I know we owe this 100% to Him. 

Where have we been? We've been at our lowest low and now to our highest high. 

Our mom has out smarted, out prayed, and remediated her cancer. Today marks a new beginning to life. NEVER give up faith and never lose your fight!

Now more than ever, I want to continue on with the Susan G. Komen 3-Day Walk for a Cure against Breast Cancer in honor of my mom and the journey she's made. All proceeds of the walk will be donated to breast cancer research. I have a long way to go in my funding. The walk takes place October 21-23. If you are able to donate or would like more information, please visit www.the3day.org/goto/sagehutch

More Than Meets the Eye

I look at the picture above often. It was taken in early October. My family had come to Auburn for the weekend for one of Teryn's last showers before the wedding. In this picture, we see everything as it is-- seemingly "normal". What we don't see is the cancer forming in my mom's body that almost killed her 3 months later. The cancer that has turned our world upside down. 

Every aspect about our lives has changed. Our whole focus through each week is to put a little more strength into the woman who has given us so much. Although I am home from school, I wouldn't trade this time with my mom for anything. Leaving her will be terrible. Every day, I admire her more and more. Though she has had to let go and give up so much she has still found her foundation to be strong and keep fighting. I could tell you a million reasons why she should give up, feel sorry for herself, and let this cancer win. She'll give you one for why she keeps going: her family.

While at our recent family trip to the lake, she told me her favorite quote was from the movie Braveheart. "All men die, but not all men truly live." She followed that quote by saying, "...and I have truly gotten to live." Though cancer is not the diagnosis that we could have ever wanted, it is a tangible illness that she is now able to be treated for. She has not felt this good in years. She loves food. She is doing things she has always wanted to do. She is getting pictures made every chance she gets. She is living and loving like never before. I know we owe these months...days...hours...all to God. I've seen my mom grow closer to Him with each sunrise. He isn't finished with her. We have truly been so very blessed. Blessed by all the giving people who continue to provide meals and prayers. And blessed by the God that continues to watch over us.

Thank you everyone who has donated to Headbands for Hope or my Susan G. Komen fund so far. Words can't express how thankful I am. I still have needs to be met, if you feel led to give please visit my page for more information or to donate at www.the3day.org/goto/sagehutch

True Life

So this is cancer? Dizzy, sleepy, emotional, exhausting...cancer. Honestly, cancer sucks. From day to day it never gets much easier and I hate to see the strain it puts on my mom. It's almost like with each sunrise it's a new realization that she is carrying the battle, and while I pray for her strength, sometimes I think it is easier to get sucked into the pity party. Cancer has a way of doing that you know. Even though we want OUR control over the situation, things seem to happen everyday we would never put in our plans. 

Eventually you have to give the battle over to someone who has battled much worse. You have to hand control over to the ULTIMATE healer: God. I pray everyday for God to keep this family together and strong within Him. With our fragile state, one slip up and we'd all crumble into a million pieces. I know God didn't want this sickness for my mom. He wanted a perfect world. But for now, these are the cards we've been dealt and we have to play them the best we know how or else we can fold under the pressure. You have to make that decision for your life. To crumble because the life you picked out for yourself isn't playing out just right or to wake up every day and fight like heck to make it work with a smile on your face. I think about the people in Japan today. Do you think they had a choice? Everything they had was swept right from under their feet within seconds. Their entire city destroyed, as if it never even existed. You can't plan for that, but God can.

I heard a couple of quotes today that have really seemed to stick:

"The world is broken, God is not."

"If things aren't right, God's not done."

I know God has a plan for my mom and our family, even though it's really hard to see right now. He has gotten us this far and I have full faith that He will continue to pull us through many more struggles along the way. I thank everyone for the continued prayers and support, it has meant so much to us.

Please join me in the fight againt breast cancer and consider supporting me in the 2011 Susan G. Komen 3-day Walk for a Cure. In October, I'll be walking 60 miles over a period of 3 days to raise awareness for breast cancer. In order to walk, I must raise 2,300 dollars. For more information or to make a donation, visit www.the3day.org/goto/sagehutch

Spilled Time

So many changes from week to week, yet I still find my mom becoming more beautiful as each day goes on. She has officially lost ALL of her prized pixie hair but has desperately been on a search for a wig to replace what she has lost. I can promise you we have been to EVERY wig shop in Dothan. For the African-American, Chinese, Japanese, whatever ethnicity, we have been to the store and tried on at LEAST 5 of their wigs...none of which brought that spark back into my moms eyes. I said it was like picking out a wedding dress (even though I've never done that) maybe you had to try on a million untill you put on one that became "THE one". Needless to say we looked and looked untill we came across the perfect one at Lovely Locks today, a new boutique in Dothan targeted towards cancer patients. Although it's not at all the pixie cut she left behind, this is a new season of her life and a new season calls for a new doo!

When I made the decision to take a semester off of school to help out with my mom, I knew all the "cons" of my choice. I'd be behind in school. I'd leave my friends behind. I'd leave my job behind. I'd have to give up what I started just to start all over. But the cons? The cons are nothing. This time with my mom has been so precious. I wouldn't trade a day, an hour, any bit of this time I am getting to spend with my mom. Good days and bad days. I get to sit back an observe. My mom just enjoys every small bit of life now. I watched as the tears streamed down her face because she was able to get a "human hair" wig-cut on her head today--it made her feel like an average woman. I watch her savor every single bite of food she puts in her mouth, McDonalds Fruit and Maple Oatmeal has been a hit! I mean, just so many things we take for granted my mom now says is all part of her "Bucket-List". If that doesn't inspire you I'm not sure what else could. Time has become such a precious thing to our family and I couldn't think of a better way to spend my time than with her.

I have made the decision to participate in the Susan G. Komen 3-Day Run for the Cure to raise awareness for Breast Cancer and support the foundation. I am walking a 60 mile journey over the course of 3-days in honor of my mother. This event takes place in October. I plan to begin other fundraising acts, but donations will also be a BIG help. In order to walk, I must raise 2,300 dollars which entirely goes towards the Breast Cancer Foundation to help find a cure and save others from this battle. If you are able to help, please go to www.the3day.org/goto/sagehutch. Thank you!

Hairy Situation

Photo by: Cindi K Mcdaniel

Studio EnVogue

My heart has been so full. Each week we experience new things, good and bad. New things that sometimes we are prepared for and sometimes we are not. As a family, we are prepared to be strong. I have watched as my family has woven itself tighter in the past few weeks than I have ever seen before--gives a WHOLE new meaning to "family bond". I watch my stepdad day in and day out watch over my mom like a hawk. He paces, he watches over her, follows her every move, feeds her...by hand if necessary. He provides her with security and peace. I watched yesterday as the two of them walked hand in hand in our backyard, just making laps in the sunshine. My mom wants to be stronger for us and we want to be strong for our mom.

One thing my mom has always wanted to do is take family photos...now more than ever. She especially wanted to take the pictures before she lost her hair to radiation. Cindy McDaniel at Studio EnVogue has done both of my sister's weddings and has become part of our family (while also doing an amazing job I might add) so it was no question who would get the honor of sharing this precious moment with us. After the session, my mom talked for days about how much fun she had. We danced, laughed, made jokes...I think for a while she forgot about the cancer. We were just a family. Those pictures are something we will certaintly all cherish forever.

After 11 days of radiation, the hair has started to fall. We all knew it would happen, but for a woman, it's not exactly something you can prepare yourself for. As I was sweeping away the clumps that had fallen onto my mom's shoulders this morning she looked over at me and told me she never thought it would be this difficult to let such a trivial thing like hair go. Although I could never imagine what she is going through, I told her exactly what I thought-- I would rather have her here than that hair anyday. We have come so far and I try to remind myself and her of that daily. A few weeks ago treatment wasn't even an option. A few weeks ago we couldn't have even imagined today. The way I look at it, all this hair hitting this floor is a celebration! A celebration for the fight. A celebration for another day of my mom's life.

Love Sick

I'm quickly realizing that cancer doesn't just affect one person, it affects every person that loves the one person it has chosen to attack. My mom fights cancer every day, and so do I...even though I don't physically have it. That's the thing about this ugly illness. It doesn't care who you are..your age..anything. It just attacks. It will run you and everyone you love into the point of exhaustion. WE are fighting it together, my mom especially. I truly believe she's the strongest woman in the world. Forget the body builders who move cars and buildings, this woman gets her brain radiated every day and still has the strength to keep a smile on her face and celebrate the moment. That's my mom.

Today is the day you are supposed to celebrate love--Valentine's Day. Love for your husband, boyfriend, wife, friend, sister, brother...whatever you love. Even if it's your dog. Well today, we celebrated the love of our mom. As a wife and as a sister. We celebrated the opportunity to have her for another week. We celebrated the gift of being able to write her cards and receive the ones she had written. I will cherish the card she wrote for me forever. In a line of my card that my mom wrote she said,

 "I can't imagine what you'll be one day and the kind of wife and mom
you'll be. But I know it will be the best because that's all you've shown me.
Never has there been a child more loved and wanted. I will always be just
a prayer or thought away. Live your life with joy."

"Live your life with joy" That will always stick with me. How could I not live with joy after having a mom like her? She has brought me nothing but happiness. She has made me the person I am, molded every ounce of my being. SHE has brought me the ultimate joy.

A Week to Live

So I left the nest. After my mom taught me all the tricks and trades to life, taught me the good from the ugly, and how to spread my wings and just let myself fly...I left. I flew (well drove) to Auburn University this year. Second year of college, first year away. I'd say it's a great year to be an Auburn Tiger fan, that's for sure. I have a great set up at school-- live with one of my best friends, am part of a couple great clubs, love my job..I mean, other than the fact that I feel like I am the only sober one half of the time and finding new friends is REALLY hard..I LOVE Auburn and being on my own...

Untill the day I got the txt message informing me of my mom's decreasing health. A txt message telling me to "prepare myself for the worst". Yes, a txt message. I was walking to my dreaded 8 am class this Spring semester when everything I knew about anything came crumbling down in the form of a single message in my inbox. I was told that morning my mom, only 49 years YOUNG, was hospitalized and was believed to have brain tumors. Tumors--that's one scary word; add an 's' on the end and it takes it to a whole new level. Needless to say, I sobbed through the class, rushed back to my apartment and with the help of a great roommate, I headed back home to my family.

Returning home was nothing like returning back to the comforting nest I had left. The next several days became a surreal blur. Day after day in and out of the hospital. Wishing, praying, hoping for anything good to happen. Anything. The hospital became our home. My three sisters and I woke up, went to the hospital. Ate breakfast, lunch, dinner...at the hospital. I'm pretty sure the employees knew us by name. We napped in the hallways, cried-ALOT, ignored phone calls, and talked to distant family members who visited here and there. Then, after a long day we would go into the darkness of my mom's room and give her a goodnight kiss and repeat over and over again how much we loved her, usually with no response. My mom was a vegetable, I never believed SHE was in her body. She stayed that way for eight long, exhausting days.

I'll never forget the night the doctors told us her diagnosis. They took us over to a secluded area to look over the scan and test results. The doctor started at the top of my mom's body and worked his way down, naming everything that was wrong. As I was listening, it was like time was moving slower than ever. It seemed like he was naming every major organ in her, saying, "there seems to be cancer there...and here.." I also remember him saying that it was a miracle she was up and walking the week prior, due to the four golf ball sized tumors in her brain that could have caused her to seize or have a stroke. I felt my heart race and my breathing quicken and I knew I could not continue to stand in the presence of that doctor anymore. I ran. I ran down the hall as far away as I could, holding on to the wall, shaking my head, and screaming silently.."WHY?! GOD". I would have done anything to convince myself it wasn't happening. My oldest sister was the only one who managed to stand through the whole meeting and broke the news to the rest of us. The breast cancer my mom had over 12 years ago was back-- this time in her liver, lungs, and 4 tumors in her brain. They gave her a week to live.

That was over three weeks ago and you know what? My mom is still here and stubborn as ever. Even though I THOUGHT my world was over and even though I THOUGHT those doctors were God, I learned very quickly, they're not. No one knows you're timing, and it certainly wasn't my moms. After eight days of an incoherent vegetative state, she woke up and wanted Blue Plate. She didn't die, despite the doctor's predictions. I know it was the prayers that got us out of the hospital and I wish there was a way for me to personally thank each and every person that prayed for us because it has given me something most people take for granted--time. I get time with my mom to see her laugh and smile..I even get to capture it on camera. I get to hold her warm hands and lay in bed with her every morning to watch the Today show. I'll get to see her little bald head as she goes through radiation, but to me, that's a blessing. I get my mom, and that's something I didn't think I would have 3 weeks ago.