Fearful Firsts

Every day, every moment is a "first" without my mom. They say the first year is the hardest and I can only pray the years to come won't be so tough. A mother is the backbone of the family and life easily falls apart when she isn't two steps ahead putting things together. Mothers are depended on for so much more than they realize and our family has been heart-achingly impacted at the loss of ours. 

While most people are anxiously awaiting this upcoming holiday season, my family is subconsciously protesting it. The holidays bring a sense of togetherness, of family, and traditions. It is a time for baking, shopping, and giving. For us, it is yet another first. It will be the first Thanksgiving and first Christmas without our shop-til-you-drop, casserole-making queen. Our miracle woman at the table we were all thankful for, the person that kept our family anchored. This is the year we grow, the year for new traditions and normalcy. To be honest, we have no clue what we are doing. There is no handbook or three step program of how to successfully move on without your mother, but somehow we have made it through these last four months. 

Someone said to me that "it's not moving on without her, it's moving forward" and I believe there is no better way to say that. As much as I want time to stop, rewind, and replay the healthy, happy times of her life while she was on this Earth, that is not reality. Reality is that the sun will rise tomorrow and the days will, in fact, go on no matter how much I demand that they don't. As a family, we have to encourage each other, pick ourselves up, and live a day that my mom would be proud of. Breathe the fresh air, help a stranger, stop and take the time to appreciate the beautiful creations right in front of our faces...we have to find our happiness and we have to move forward. 

She is never farther than a thought away, as she always reminded me. I carry her with me each and every day and as I move forward, I will never forget. I will embrace the memories we shared and share her legacy with others for many years to come. 

------------------------------

While my mom was not effected by Mesothelioma, it is a cancer that does effect many people and is easily preventable. Here are a few facts on how to avoid asbestos and prevent you or your loved one from obtaining this disease. Please visit mesothelioma.com for more details: 

Are there donuts in heaven?

It was a beautiful warm, sunny afternoon.

Thursday-- one week until my birthday. 

Thursday and not a cloud in the sky.

I can't recall a day since then that I've seen so much sun. 

A typical day; expecting the worst while praying for the best. 

The hospice nurse came and left, declaring my mom as "stable".

It was just another day...

On that beautiful day, I found myself holding my mom's hand as she breathed her final breaths. 

It was with grace and elegance that she lived her life and I shouldn't have expected any difference in her passing. 

In an instant she went from my mother to my angel. Still the most beautiful person I have ever known. 

A day hasn't passed that I don't feel her absence. 

It's an emotional weight.

It's a dull ache.

I lost my perfect role model, my go-to stylist, my biggest fan, my very best friend, my manicure-date..

my mom.

I feel like the world should stop spinning; that daily routines shouldn't exist.

Yet with each day and an undiscovered strength, we have carried on, going through the motions of each day.

The truth is, I don't know where to go from here. 

It's like I'm seeing the world for the very first time. 

Though I do know one thing for sure, 

my mom is with me...and she's everywhere.

She spent her short time on this Earth preparing us to make the right decisions and taught us to always keep a good heart. 

In the days before my mom's passing I have few memories of her carefree and enjoying life, but one memory has seemed to stick with me through it all.

My mom and stepdad had just left my mom's final radiation treatment; the doctor's had declared she was too weak to continue on.

My car was being serviced and my stepdad planned to give me a ride home.

When he arrived, and I slid into the backseat of the car, I couldn't help but burst into a laugh at the image of my mom.

"She's on her 7th" my stepdad said.

My mom had a box of one dozen fresh Krispy Kreme donuts opened in her lap and she wasn't slowing down. 

My skinny-minny mom consumed 8 donuts that day and while we aren't sure how she did it, we couldn't have been more glad!

That was the most any of us had smiled in a while.

I sure hope there are donuts in heaven. 

Life is fragile and definitely too short.

Don't take a day for granted...and if you want to say it, say it right then because you never know what tomorrow holds.

I now aspire to live my life the way my mom always lived hers and make friends in the most unexpected places and give without a second thought. 

We have been blessed by a loving community, who has given, prayed, and supported us through this journey. 

As the days roll on, I ask for continued prayers and support because with each day, we face a new challenge.

And in the simple words of my mom..

"Live your life with joy."

 5/5/61- 6/20/13

Lets help put an end to breast cancer. I encourage everyone to donate to Susan G. Komen research or other breast cancer research organizations around the world. 

Raise awareness, save more moms.

Click here to donate NOW!

May Flowers

 May.

It's a month of birds, blossoms, and beautiful weather.

It's a month of new growths.

The world gets a little brighter in May.

For us, May is a month of celebrations. 

May 5th...my beautiful mother's birthday. 

May 5th...coincidentally the day I graduate from Auburn University.

May 10...sweet baby Baye's 1st birthday.

May 12...Mother's day. 

May 21..the day our little Madison graduates high school.

I guess you can say it's a big month for us.

With all of the celebration comes a little bit of sadness.

My mother's battle with cancer has not been an easy fight.

She is tired, but she is so strong.

She has been receiving weekly chemo treatments for the past several months.

Chemo, as most of you know, drains you.

It's complicated because it helps you and hurts you all at the same time.

Fights the good along with the bad.

It has been a major challenge to fight the side effects of chemo while fighting cancer for my mother. 

They've tried different medicines, given her new medicines...

all the medicines...

no results.

Her chemo has not currently proved to be effective in any other way except for making her more sick at this time. 

While the doctors are doing what they can to find a drug that works for her, I am asking everyone to please remember my mother and the battle she faces on a daily basis.

Please pray for her strength to fight and her body to heal.

We need prayers now more than ever.