Fearful Firsts

Every day, every moment is a "first" without my mom. They say the first year is the hardest and I can only pray the years to come won't be so tough. A mother is the backbone of the family and life easily falls apart when she isn't two steps ahead putting things together. Mothers are depended on for so much more than they realize and our family has been heart-achingly impacted at the loss of ours. 

While most people are anxiously awaiting this upcoming holiday season, my family is subconsciously protesting it. The holidays bring a sense of togetherness, of family, and traditions. It is a time for baking, shopping, and giving. For us, it is yet another first. It will be the first Thanksgiving and first Christmas without our shop-til-you-drop, casserole-making queen. Our miracle woman at the table we were all thankful for, the person that kept our family anchored. This is the year we grow, the year for new traditions and normalcy. To be honest, we have no clue what we are doing. There is no handbook or three step program of how to successfully move on without your mother, but somehow we have made it through these last four months. 

Someone said to me that "it's not moving on without her, it's moving forward" and I believe there is no better way to say that. As much as I want time to stop, rewind, and replay the healthy, happy times of her life while she was on this Earth, that is not reality. Reality is that the sun will rise tomorrow and the days will, in fact, go on no matter how much I demand that they don't. As a family, we have to encourage each other, pick ourselves up, and live a day that my mom would be proud of. Breathe the fresh air, help a stranger, stop and take the time to appreciate the beautiful creations right in front of our faces...we have to find our happiness and we have to move forward. 

She is never farther than a thought away, as she always reminded me. I carry her with me each and every day and as I move forward, I will never forget. I will embrace the memories we shared and share her legacy with others for many years to come. 

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